‘G-Force’ may go down in history as the film that made me realize that I need to bring a notebook to the movies, be it to jot down observations, help me remember certain parts, note certain actors…Or to list all the truly horrific lines of dialogue that a film can possibly have. ‘G-Force’ is about talking guinea pigs that are actually secret agents. I have opted to not do a conventional review, but rather, list my reasons for my stance against ‘G-Force’ and to pose questions to the people that made it.
1. I hate the fact that it cost $150 million dollars. $150,000,000 TO FUND TALKING GUINEA PIGS. That’s like President Obama using a 5000th of our bailout to fund a kids movie.
2. Two Academy Award winners, Nicolas Cage and Penelope Cruz star in this, along with Bill Nighy and the hilarious star of ’30 Rock’, Tracy Morgan. So why do they pool their talents into voicing lifeless animals with one-dimensional personalities? Money probably, but doesn’t it shame their resume to list ‘G-Force’ next to ‘Vicky Cristina Barcelona’, next to ‘Moon’?
3. The fact that it thinks it’s so hip, that it thinks because it randomly samples classic quotes from ‘Apocalypse Now’ and ‘Terminator 2′ that it’s clever when it’s really just stealing lines from other, better movies? When a talking guinea pig screams “PIMP MY RIDE” randomly you know the film’s trying to cater to an older audience.
4. There’s nary a recent hit song that isn’t pointlessly edited into this. Try counting how many times they play “Boom Boom Pow” or “I Gotta Feeling”.
5. The fact that in the film, the villain plots to take over the world with coffee machines.
6. The number of self-important, melodramatic speeches that the film takes seriously, but you can hear the cringe in the actors’ voices. Try not to chuckle when one character says “Lets do it for Speckles!”.
7. One very simple line of dialogue from an FBI agent: “Calling all units! Calling all units! We are in pursuit of four guinea pigs. in a gerbil wheel!”
8. The film’s premise is that there’s a team of genetically engineered, walking, talking guinea pigs, correct? Except that there’s a twist at the end…They’re just normal guinea pigs that were told they were special, you follow me? But here’s the trick. This means all 500 billion rodents can all perform superhuman feats, i.e., talking. And yet there’s an entire FBI division devoted to making animals talk, would the employees of said division pretend to enhance them and “make them talk” to fake progress to their bosses? And if all these rodents could talk, how could everyone with a pet guinea pig could not notice? How come a kid steals one of the guinea pigs and when the pet screams “Woo-hoo!” there’s no reaction from him? And how come there’s ANOTHER plot twist toward the end that reveals one of the team is secretly a bad guy but yet there’s literally just a 5-second explanation for his motives to eliminate mankind?
9. Why on Earth is the poster for ‘G-Force’ donning a huge slogan saying “The world needs bigger heroes” when the heroes are nine inches tall? It makes no sense unless you view it sarcastically, which I doubt Disney would do.
10. Perhaps most of all, I despise this because it’s going to be so successful. I imagine Disney’s putting a dozen writers to an assembly line to crank out a sequel, not to mention toys, video games, probably a TV show. It’s an endless, self-sufficient enterprise built on cute CGI rodents.
Now, if you walk in as an adult, you will walk out with anger or a migraine. Walk in as a child, you’ll forget half the film halfway to the car. To walk into ‘G-Force’ is to burn $10 and 1000 brain cells. If I haven’t made my position clear enough, ‘G-Force’ is trash. F